Wrinkled Thoughts

Some of you may or may not know, but my grandfather Hollis Service will be turning 98 in November… yes 98! Well, all those years haven't slowed the old man down any. Okay, he walks a little slower and uses a cane, but his mind is just as sharp as ever.

I visit my grandfather atleast once a week and we have lunch (usually at Paradise Bakery/Cafe because they have the best tomato soup on the planet). We talk about everything under the moon, and laugh A LOT. I'm not the funny one… I only WISH I had half the wit he has. As a tribute to him, I am going to update this post everytime  A) I think of something funny he said – OR – B) He says something new that cracks me up.

The list of "Hollyisms"…

In reference to the strength of his coffee, he laid these two on me today:

     "I hope my teeth don't melt…"

     "This coffe is stronger than stud piss with the foam parted off the top."

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His favorite poem (and mine)… but it is 10 times funnier when he says it. I think I will record him saying it once and post it here later.

     Down the street a beggar flew
     and from his breast a knife he drew
     and cut a cockroach right in two

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How you doing Grandpa?… "Just barely"

How old are you Grandpa?… "See those mountains over there? They weren't there when I was born."

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If he really likes something that you or someone else has, he has two classic lines.

     "I wish I had that guys car and he had a feather up his ass… then we'd both be tickled."

     "If you feel yourself slipping, go ahead and drop that leather chair off at 365 East and 2400 South." (his house)

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If  you are driving in the car with him and he catches you staring at anything for too long he'll ask you, "Where is she?" … Thinking you must be looking at a pretty girl if you are staring so long.

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See someone with a big nose?

     "I wish I had that guy's nose full of nickles… I'd be rich!"

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See a really tall person?

     "If she fell down, she'd be half way home."

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Woman with large breasts?

     "I thought she was trying to smuggle canteloupes under her shirt."

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A few more added on September 21st, 2006:

We're driving down the freeway and there is an excessively long semi trailer in the right lane…

     "Boy, that thing is longer than a well rope."

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Have you heard about the "bashful man"? He sticks his foot in the toilet and pees down his leg as to not make any sound…

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About a person's hair…. 

     "What are you using for a hair? A rat's nest?"

     "What did you do? Comb your hair with a frying pan?" 

     on a bad hair cut… "What'd she do, beat it off with a wet rope?"

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So we have a little two year old foster child in our home named Malachi. His name is a bit "rough" to say the least, so grandpa has come up with few of his own names over the last few months.

     "You still got Gunga Din?"

     "How's Ebeneezer doing?"

     "So Rasputin's mum doesn't want him?

     "Little Nebacanezzer sure is a cute little bugger." 

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If you are a child and you come in bawling because you hurt yourself…

     "How'd ya cut ya bite ya burn ya?"

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Here's a contribution from my brother Ian:

Cheese is “Bumclogger.” UPDATE:… the other day at the Paradise Cafe, he told me to "hold the cloggem'" on his soup. So, you can use "Bum Cloggem" as well as "Bum Clogger".

Which leads to . . . this story:

While casually talking about being “regular” Grandpa said, “I’ve got some medicine back home, that if you take it, 15 minutes later you can bend over and write your name on the wall.” ;o)

And finally: Whenever you can’t remember the name of a person, place or thing, call it a “Ferndock.” As demonstrated by Hollis while singing a church Hymn. “Put your ferndock to the wheel, push along . . .”

My sister-in-law Natalie (Ian's wife) thougt of some more Hollyisms:

“If you smell cabbage, don’t ask for any.” (Think about it).

And:

A couple years ago we stayed at Grandpa’s house on a short vacation. While there Natalie was going to do a load of laundry so we would have clean clothes for the remainder of our trip.
Grandpa, upon seeing Natalie load the whites into the washer, asked, “What, do those have manure on them?” The best part is how he laughs at Natalie because of her reaction. He loves to get a rise out of anyone.

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Addition on 10/14/2006…

"What do you need? … A kick in the belly?"

If he didn't understand you the first time around…
"Whadya say Pierre?"

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Addition on 10/24/2006…

For some reason 5 new "Hollyisms" popped up this week… So of course, I had to blog them!

If you trip, drop something, or are just plain clumsy… "Remember when you used to be awkward?"

We stepped outside the other day, and it was a bit chilly. Grandpa said, "It's colder than a step-mother's kiss."

The FUNNIEST thing happened last week as grandpa, Avery, and me were leaving Paradise Cafe. Just before grandpa went to get into the car, he cut a big, long, loud fart… and then turned around to look at Avery. Avery, of course was beside himself with laughter… and then grandpa said, "Ya get any on ya?". We all lost it after that. I haven't seen grandpa laugh that hard in a long time. I think he was laughing more because of how Avery reacted than anything else.

Before the farting incident, we sat down for lunch inside Paradise Cafe. When my sandwhich was delivered, (a grilled turkey panini) grandpa took one look at it and said, "That looks like it's been eaten once."

And one more… I don't know how I ever missed this one… Avery asked grandpa, "Where we going?" Of course the standard answer for that question is, "Crazy! Wanna come?"

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I've often been heard saying, "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!" … but grandpa one-upped me today (January 16th, 2007) with this one: "I guess it's better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot.".

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A "SPECIAL" Hollyism (January 23rd, 2007): Since grandpa is "getting up there" in years, he tends to have a few aches and pains… and his joints don't always work so well… which brings me to his new "favorite" saying… "My legs are stiffer than a wedding dick". After he says that, he chuckles to himself and says, "I wonder if old age has anything to do with that?".

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Update: (February 21st, 2007) My father has been on a roll lately remembering a few Hollyisms… Well, he DID live with the man almost 20 years growing up.

Let's say you hit your thumb with a hammer (or injur yourself some other way). As long as it hurts, grandpa would say, "My thumb is throbbing like a sick bird's bum."

And if you get behind some slow poke on the freeway going 10 miles under the speed limit… "Boy, I sure hope this guy doesn't back up!"

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Update: (March 27th, 2007) The other day grandpa was telling me about the new garage my uncle Gary was having built onto his house. He explained how the concrete work was perfect, but when he looked over the edge into the hole in the ground, he got the "wisps and jingles" and felt like he was going to fall in. Gary said he would have caught him.

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Update: (April 11th, 2007) The old man never ceases to amaze me. Today at lunch grandpa said he had a back ache. I told him he needed to lay off of the "heavy lifting" at his age. He promptly replied, "Right now, I couldn't lift a Hershey's bar if it had nuts in it."

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Update: (August 22nd, 2007) Sadly, grandpa passed away yesterday… but his humor lives on! Here's one my cousin-in-law Allison remembered while we were at the hospital with grandpa yesterday.

If you know someone who is really cheap you say this about them: "He's as tight as a bull's ass at fly time."

My sister Holly remembered this one… when you are sitting at a street light that is taking a really long time to change to green: "I wonder how long this lights been broken?" 

Continue to send me Hollyisms as you remember them! Just because he's past, doesn't mean we'll forget his sense of humor. He'd want it that way. 

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 Update: (October 22nd, 2007) Even in death, he lives on… My uncle Gary told me this one yesterday: "I'm as full as a Garden Toad"… after we had wonderful Sunday dinner.

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Oh, there are MANY more than that… but I can't think of them ALL right now. If you remember any of them, feel free to email them to me.

It's 1:30 in the AM and I'm feeling type happy. I just posted 3 overdue entries and I feel I need to add one more.

I was born in Salt Lake City, Utah… Holy Cross hospital on June 12th, 1972 at approximately 9:12 PM. I don't remember my birth.

I spent the first 17 months of my life living in an apartment just down the street from my grandparents (my dad's parents) in South Salt Lake. Incidentally, my grandfather still lives in the house as of this entry and is going to turn 98 years old in a few months. My mom and dad bought their first house out in Sandy. They paid the down payment with sweat equity that entailed painting the inside of the house. I was almost 2 years old at the time and decided to "repaint" the walls with a purple crayon shortly after we moved in.

Here's a picture of the old house… taken May of 1974, and that cute kid on the tricycle is me. The house is still there (it's only about 33 years old as of this entry) but all the trees and bushes have matured nicely so it doesn't quite look the same as it does in the photo.

The funniest thing happened… I moved to Phoenix with my parents when I was 13 (after 12 years in that house). I lived there exactly 20 years to the day and then moved my family (my wife and 4 boys) back to Sandy… 1 mile from my old house. I get to see the old place every once in awhile. Strange….

I've been cutting my own hair for a very long time… since High School I think. Oh, sure… I go to a professional once in awhile to "reset" my hair to a more natural state, but most of the time I can't stand to pay for a haircut.

After spending 5 days with my brother Ian, and then coming home to see my friend Billy Shalz and his buzzed bean, I decided it was time for my "once in a blue moon" shaving. So I cut off my hair. The last time I did something this drastic was about the same time the twins were born… and that was five years ago this week. Wow… has it been that long since they were born? SHEEEESH!

Anyway… enjoy the photo, I'm sure it is good for a laugh.

Almost 24 hours after Sage and I returned from our Alaskan cruise, I jumped on a plane to Chicago to see my brother Ian in Michigan. Why fly into Chicago? Because it was half the price of flying into Detroit. Weird huh? It all worked out though because my good friend Rob Jarvis (see the Who's Wrinkle page of my blog) lives in Kenosha WI, about an hour north of Chicago. He swung down, picked me up from the Chicago Midway airport and then drove us to Grand Rapids Michigan where my brother Ian was waiting for us. The next morning we all went fly fishing in North Western Michigan…

 … Okay, so we didn't go fly fishing right away. First we drove around Western Michigan looking for everything from a fly shop (for advice and flies), to a Best Buy (so Rob could buy a new laptop), to a new place to stay that was close to all the action. We finally got on the water in time for some late afternoon/dinner time fishing. SIDE NOTE: I brought my laptop so I could do some work at night while on the trip… but I forgot my freaking power cord! I tried to find a new power cord or adapter for my laptop at a few computer stores and Best Buy to no avail. It appears I bought the only laptop in the world that has such a weird power adapter that NOBODY creates a universal adapter to fit it. I was SOL the whole trip.

We started out on the Pere Marquette river ("the PM") as the locals call it. I could see some big fish in there, but they were too smart for us. The next day we decided to go a bit further north to the Manistee river just below the Tippy Dam. We didn't have much luck there either, but Rob and I both caught 1 small trout each. That night though… we stayed on the river until about midnight watching the locals throw out gigantic treble spoons to snag salmon… and boy did they snag em! We watched several guys haul in 25lb salmon and then turn around and let them free. We tried our luck, but didn't snag anything but a few zebra mussels. Zebra mussels are weird… they are like little clams that actually "bite" down on your hook if it comes across them.

  

After our adventures up north, Rob had to hit the road and go back to work so Ian and I headed to Lansing where Ian and Natalie live. However, on the way there, we hit a little river called the Flat river. We found an ANCIENT covered bridge and fished until dark. As much as we'd like to have caught the big trout we could see sleeping on the bottom, we had to settle for small and large mouth bass… but boy were they biting! We caught about 25 fish each and had a blast. Granted, the biggest whale of the day was about 12 inches, but it was fun nonetheless.

  
  

After spending the night at Ian and Nat's in Lansing, Ian took me on a tour of downtown Lansing. We saw a few of his school buildings (Cooley School of Law), Michigan State University, and Oldmobile stadium where the Lansing Lugnuts baseball team plays. After our short tour of Lansing, we drove down to Battle Creek and caught a train to Chicago… after all, I had to get there somehow to fly home.

  

The train ride was interesting… A lot like a plane only with more leg room. If I had a power cord for my laptop, I could have plugged it into the wall next to my seat. Why don't planes have A/C plugs on them? We arrived into Chicago's Union Station and then walked down to a Holiday Inn where we were to spend then night. We had time, so we walked around downtown, had dinner, and then wandered around a huge pare where a gianormous latino festival was being held. We saw a big colorful fountain called the Buckingham Fountain, had some icecream, then wandered the streets back to the hotel.

  
  

The next morning, I caught an "L" train to the airport and came home. It was nice to sleep in my own bed for a change. A HUGE thanks to Rob (who paid for our lodging and drove us around the state) and my brother and sister-in-law for letting me come visit and have the wonderful time that I had.

Sage and I had the opportunity to accompany the Knudsen Brothers on (possibly their last) an Alaskan cruise! Big thanks goes out to them for a) letting us come b) being the stud performers they are and putting on 4 great shows… and c) letting me rebuild their website (www.sixrealbrothers.com )

For those of you who don't know who the Knudsen Brothers are (they are now called "Six"), you are missing out on one of the best singing variety stage acts on the planet. They rock. Here's a few photos from their shows on the ship.

  

Anyway, as I said before, we went to ALASKA! We flew into Juneau to catch the boat. Did you know you can't drive a car into or out of Juneau? It is completely land locked, so the only way in is via plane or boat.  

Our stops on the trip included Icy Straits and the little town of Hoonah, Ketchikan, Vancouver BC, and Juneau. In Hoonah, there was a guy pulling dungeness crab right out of the water and putting them directly into the steamer… So, of course I had to have one! It was the best crab I have ever had… and a nice old local lady taught me how to properly "clean" the crab so that I don't miss any meat. Holy cow! You get twice as much meat with her cleaning method. It's a secret, but if you want to know how it is done, just ask me. Here's a few shots I took in Hoonah. The bald eagles are like pigeons up there…

  

Our next stop was Ketchikan. I was super jealous stepping off the tender boat to find a lady fishing from a bridge over the creek in town and hooked into a 15lb salmon! But I kept walking and walking and walking… for a bout 7 miles round trip actually. Curtis and his brother Lynn took me on a GREAT hike up Deer Mountain (pictured first below). The lower part of the mountain is almost like a jungle, complete with ferns. Then, about half way up, you get to a lookout and can see the ocean and land out in the distance below (picture of Curtis and I). As you go higher, the trees get sparse and at the very top it is like an alien landscape like nothing you've ever seen before. a must do if you are ever in Ketchikan.

  

After Ketchikan, we sailed down the inside passage to Vancouver British Columbia. Sailing in the ocean, watching whales and dolphins with beautiful green mountains on both sides of the ship was truly awesome… even if we had to brave the 50 degree weather up on the top deck. Here's a panoramic shot I took of us traveling the inside passage.

Vancouver British Columbia was our next stop… Okay, technically, Vancouver BC is in Canada, not Alaska, but it was cool just the same. Curtis and his brother Owen took Sage and I on a cab ride to the Grouse Mountain resort. In the winter, the resort has skiing. In the summer it has all kinds of other stuff. We saw people parasailing off the top of the mountain, a bird of prey show, a bear sanctuary, a lumberjack show, and lots of larger than life tree carvings that were absolutely amazing. Oh, and we also saw this dork. If I ever dress like this, SHOOT ME. Here's a few of the shots I took of Grouse Mountain. The picture of the white capped mountain is Mt. Baker. It actually sits in  Washington state USA.

  
  

Quite the amazing trip… can't wait to go again and see everything north of Juneau.