Wrinkled Thoughts

Some of you may or may not know, but my grandfather Hollis Service will be turning 98 in November… yes 98! Well, all those years haven't slowed the old man down any. Okay, he walks a little slower and uses a cane, but his mind is just as sharp as ever.

I visit my grandfather atleast once a week and we have lunch (usually at Paradise Bakery/Cafe because they have the best tomato soup on the planet). We talk about everything under the moon, and laugh A LOT. I'm not the funny one… I only WISH I had half the wit he has. As a tribute to him, I am going to update this post everytime  A) I think of something funny he said - OR - B) He says something new that cracks me up.

The list of "Hollyisms"…

In reference to the strength of his coffee, he laid these two on me today:

     "I hope my teeth don't melt…"

     "This coffe is stronger than stud piss with the foam parted off the top."

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His favorite poem (and mine)… but it is 10 times funnier when he says it. I think I will record him saying it once and post it here later.

     Down the street a beggar flew
     and from his breast a knife he drew
     and cut a cockroach right in two

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How you doing Grandpa?… "Just barely"

How old are you Grandpa?… "See those mountains over there? They weren't there when I was born."

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If he really likes something that you or someone else has, he has two classic lines.

     "I wish I had that guys car and he had a feather up his ass… then we'd both be tickled."

     "If you feel yourself slipping, go ahead and drop that leather chair off at 365 East and 2400 South." (his house)

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If  you are driving in the car with him and he catches you staring at anything for too long he'll ask you, "Where is she?" … Thinking you must be looking at a pretty girl if you are staring so long.

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See someone with a big nose?

     "I wish I had that guy's nose full of nickles… I'd be rich!"

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See a really tall person?

     "If she fell down, she'd be half way home."

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Woman with large breasts?

     "I thought she was trying to smuggle canteloupes under her shirt."

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A few more added on September 21st, 2006:

We're driving down the freeway and there is an excessively long semi trailer in the right lane…

     "Boy, that thing is longer than a well rope."

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Have you heard about the "bashful man"? He sticks his foot in the toilet and pees down his leg as to not make any sound…

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About a person's hair…. 

     "What are you using for a hair? A rat's nest?"

     "What did you do? Comb your hair with a frying pan?" 

     on a bad hair cut… "What'd she do, beat it off with a wet rope?"

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So we have a little two year old foster child in our home named Malachi. His name is a bit "rough" to say the least, so grandpa has come up with few of his own names over the last few months.

     "You still got Gunga Din?"

     "How's Ebeneezer doing?"

     "So Rasputin's mum doesn't want him?

     "Little Nebacanezzer sure is a cute little bugger." 

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If you are a child and you come in bawling because you hurt yourself…

     "How'd ya cut ya bite ya burn ya?"

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Here's a contribution from my brother Ian:

Cheese is “Bumclogger.” UPDATE:… the other day at the Paradise Cafe, he told me to "hold the cloggem'" on his soup. So, you can use "Bum Cloggem" as well as "Bum Clogger".

Which leads to . . . this story:

While casually talking about being “regular” Grandpa said, “I’ve got some medicine back home, that if you take it, 15 minutes later you can bend over and write your name on the wall.” ;o)

And finally: Whenever you can’t remember the name of a person, place or thing, call it a “Ferndock.” As demonstrated by Hollis while singing a church Hymn. “Put your ferndock to the wheel, push along . . .”

My sister-in-law Natalie (Ian's wife) thougt of some more Hollyisms:

“If you smell cabbage, don’t ask for any.” (Think about it).

And:

A couple years ago we stayed at Grandpa’s house on a short vacation. While there Natalie was going to do a load of laundry so we would have clean clothes for the remainder of our trip.
Grandpa, upon seeing Natalie load the whites into the washer, asked, “What, do those have manure on them?” The best part is how he laughs at Natalie because of her reaction. He loves to get a rise out of anyone.

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Addition on 10/14/2006…

"What do you need? … A kick in the belly?"

If he didn't understand you the first time around…
"Whadya say Pierre?"

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Addition on 10/24/2006…

For some reason 5 new "Hollyisms" popped up this week… So of course, I had to blog them!

If you trip, drop something, or are just plain clumsy… "Remember when you used to be awkward?"

We stepped outside the other day, and it was a bit chilly. Grandpa said, "It's colder than a step-mother's kiss."

The FUNNIEST thing happened last week as grandpa, Avery, and me were leaving Paradise Cafe. Just before grandpa went to get into the car, he cut a big, long, loud fart… and then turned around to look at Avery. Avery, of course was beside himself with laughter… and then grandpa said, "Ya get any on ya?". We all lost it after that. I haven't seen grandpa laugh that hard in a long time. I think he was laughing more because of how Avery reacted than anything else.

Before the farting incident, we sat down for lunch inside Paradise Cafe. When my sandwhich was delivered, (a grilled turkey panini) grandpa took one look at it and said, "That looks like it's been eaten once."

And one more… I don't know how I ever missed this one… Avery asked grandpa, "Where we going?" Of course the standard answer for that question is, "Crazy! Wanna come?"

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I've often been heard saying, "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!" … but grandpa one-upped me today (January 16th, 2007) with this one: "I guess it's better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot.".

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A "SPECIAL" Hollyism (January 23rd, 2007): Since grandpa is "getting up there" in years, he tends to have a few aches and pains… and his joints don't always work so well… which brings me to his new "favorite" saying… "My legs are stiffer than a wedding dick". After he says that, he chuckles to himself and says, "I wonder if old age has anything to do with that?".

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Update: (February 21st, 2007) My father has been on a roll lately remembering a few Hollyisms… Well, he DID live with the man almost 20 years growing up.

Let's say you hit your thumb with a hammer (or injur yourself some other way). As long as it hurts, grandpa would say, "My thumb is throbbing like a sick bird's bum."

And if you get behind some slow poke on the freeway going 10 miles under the speed limit… "Boy, I sure hope this guy doesn't back up!"

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Update: (March 27th, 2007) The other day grandpa was telling me about the new garage my uncle Gary was having built onto his house. He explained how the concrete work was perfect, but when he looked over the edge into the hole in the ground, he got the "wisps and jingles" and felt like he was going to fall in. Gary said he would have caught him.

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Update: (April 11th, 2007) The old man never ceases to amaze me. Today at lunch grandpa said he had a back ache. I told him he needed to lay off of the "heavy lifting" at his age. He promptly replied, "Right now, I couldn't lift a Hershey's bar if it had nuts in it."

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Update: (August 22nd, 2007) Sadly, grandpa passed away yesterday… but his humor lives on! Here's one my cousin-in-law Allison remembered while we were at the hospital with grandpa yesterday.

If you know someone who is really cheap you say this about them: "He's as tight as a bull's ass at fly time."

My sister Holly remembered this one… when you are sitting at a street light that is taking a really long time to change to green: "I wonder how long this lights been broken?" 

Continue to send me Hollyisms as you remember them! Just because he's past, doesn't mean we'll forget his sense of humor. He'd want it that way. 

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 Update: (October 22nd, 2007) Even in death, he lives on… My uncle Gary told me this one yesterday: "I'm as full as a Garden Toad"… after we had wonderful Sunday dinner.

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Oh, there are MANY more than that… but I can't think of them ALL right now. If you remember any of them, feel free to email them to me.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 14th, 2006 at 12:54 am and is filed under Hollis N. Service. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.